Paul and Barnabas

A relational split does not necessarily destine the church to decline but could be the very thing to disperse resources and enhance the kingdom.

Biblical Reference: Acts 15

Biblical Summary: Paul and Barnabas are effective and powerful co-ministers of the gospel. Because of a disagreement, they part ways.

Reflections -

Paul and Barnabas were a powerful pair. Acts 15 begins with the Council at Jerusalem where Paul and Barnabas teamed together to teach the whole assembly. "The whole assembly became silent as they listened to Barnabas and Paul telling about the miraculous signs and wonders God had done among the Gentiles through them" (v 12). Their testimonies lead to a radical change in the church's treatment of gentiles.

In light of this crescendo, I find the end of the chapter so intriguing. Together, they have labored. Together, they've ministered to the Gentiles with astounding results. Together, they've changed the Jewish Christian's legalistic bent thus unifying the church and assisting the Gentiles further. Then, after uniting the church, "they have such a sharp disagreement that they parted company" (v 39).

How ironic that the argument was over another severed relationship (Mark). Have you found seen or experienced the same? Feelings about a given (or the mere topic of) estrangement can be so strong, further estrangements occur.

It is so good to realize the power of our God. He even uses relational separations to strengthen his church. Barnabas ministers in Cyprus. Paul ministers "through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches" (v 41). What could have been a tragedy of struggling leaders and church splits, instead strengthened the church as these two strong leaders double the gospel exposure. In fact, the reality is that the effect was exponential as both Paul and Barnabas took another companion.

It's good to read passages like 1 Cor 9:6 or Col 4:10 where Paul refers to Barnabas in his letters without regard to their differences. Their differences caused them to part ways but was not used to divide the church... just multiply the work.

Prayer -

Lord, thank you that you use anything and everything to strengthen your church. Help us to live lives following our calling and not justifying our separations.

Where we have separated from relationships in the church, help us to trust you despite our differences in conviction. Help us to rejoice in people touched by the gospel -- even through one who has wounded us! (Philippians 1:18) Help us to realize your gospel is bigger than Satan's schemes or people's faults. (Romans 8)

Where we have separated from relationships outside the church, we pray for ministry to that person or those people. Our inability to change things is so frustrating! But, you are the God that owns it all... the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10). All resources belong to you to distribute. Though we are not ministering into those relationships, provide another!

Help our separations further your church instead of forcing divisions in the church. Help us to promote You and not ourselves. Keep us from hypocrisy. Enlarge our hearts for you and for those with whom we no longer relate. To you be the glory forever, Amen.

Ruth

Most Christian circles celebrate Ruth as she accompanies Naomi in a beautiful demonstration of loyalty and kindness. We cannot forget, however, that her devotion to Naomi required a departure from her own family.

Bible Reference - Ruth 1

Story Recap -
Naomi is a widow. After raising 2 sons in a foreign land, her husbands and sons both die leaving her destitute. Deciding to return to Israel, she bids farewell to her 2 widowed daughter-in-laws. One of them, Ruth, insists on joining her.

Reflection -
Nothing is ever said about Ruth's family. Her motivations for joining Naomi are also never mentioned. Was she kindhearted and concerned for this elderly woman's welfare? Was she intrigued by Naomi's God? Was there any negative reason encouraging her departure? Who knows!?!

The reasons are unclear but the results are astounding... "your people will be my people" (Ruth 1:16). In today's Christian's circles, a similar situation could be labeled as "abandonment" of her original family/ disloyalty instead of celebrating the very opposite: loyalty and commitment to a calling of care and Christian pursuit.

Again, we must ask ourselves, "Am I merely leaving my family or am I pursuing a calling?" Am I doing this from a place of mission towards others or self-protected bitterness. Sometimes, this may overlap for a season (as mentioned in other posts) but my resounding theme needs to be loyalty to Christ.

Prayer -
Lord, help my life to not be characterized by what I left but where I am going and with whom. Help things I have been forced to leave be a mere sentence in a much larger story of victory and mission for You and from You. I pray again for my family. Tho I have not been your chosen source of help for them, I would still pray that you bring someone. Ease my guilt and help me trust your plan as I partake in this separate road you have for me. Praise Your Name.

Moses and Pharoah

We often forget when we read stories about Moses confronting Pharaoh that he was confronting family. As an adopted family member who had fled in shame, he bravely fought to pull others out of the bondage. How difficult his stand must have been considering their adoption for him had saved his life. Yet, this "gift-of-life" did not necessitate a debt at the expense of his calling.

Bible Reference - Exodus 2-4

Story Recap - The Pharaoh of Egypt set a decree that all newborn Israelite boys be drowned. His daughter, however, finds a living Israelite baby crying in a basket on the river. Moved to pity, she adopts him. As Moses ages, he defies his wicked grandfather and wrongly murders an Egyptian following the cruel decrees. He flees and time passes (he marries and has children/ Pharaoh dies and is replaced). He is called by God to confront the new Pharoah and lead others out of their bondage.

Reflection -
Moses is an interesting story when you consider estrangement. He left his Egyptian family twice.

I can so relate to Moses in his first separation. He sees the injustice his "family system" is causing. He tries to be a change agent for good but it backfires. Perhaps, it was his youth and inexperience. Perhaps, it was the final release of pent-up rage and confusion.

Many times it takes tremendous courage to break the automatic repeating of family wrongs. The courage required can often lead to improper and even sinful actions on our part. How difficult! How exasperating! BUT, this needn't dismiss our stand or doom us to a life of cruelty and bitterness.

As the story continues, Moses is accused and in fear and shame, flees. Though motivated by fear and shame, it is interesting to note that though God has him return, he has him leave purposefully and finally later. During this first separation, God uses this time to heal and reveal Himself to Moses.

Relationships are messy but God is the ultimate conservationist. What may be a selfish and bitter fleeing on our part can be part of God's plan to separate us and plant us into an environment where He can flood us with perspective and His peace. God is a pursuing God and pursues us though we flee with guilt. Like Moses, can we rest with God... allowing him to point out our failures and retrain us. Can we receive this rest from him as we relearn in an environment free from the sin in which we have been "trained". We do not need to live in guilt but live in growth with the Lord and see where it takes us.

As the story "concludes" (at least the Egyptian-family part of it), Moses is called by God to reenter the system, confront his family and free others. He is not called to reengage and "try to change the system".

There are many instances in the Bible where we are called to be salt-and-light". I was often asked, "Why haven't you reentered, endured the abuse as you sought to bring a light into a dark place". Good question... one worthy to wrestle through with advisers and the Lord. I like Moses' example because it shows that the way this is done is based on calling. Moses obeyed God's calling, went through steps, but ended up leaving. His final leaving was final! It was not a fleeing from shame but a running towards a calling from God. The "salt-and-light" he was arguably unable to leave with his family did indeed leave a legacy of God's power that became a primary example of God's provision for generations to follow.

Prayer -
Lord, meet me now. Forgive me for ways I have sinned against my family. Though their actions required corrections, I have been far from perfect in all my dealing with them. I have, at times, echoed their sins towards them... becoming the very thing I'm condemning. Change me from the hypocrite. Though they may never see or acknowledge this change, let me name myself by the name you give me... forgiven... loved... redeemed. Let me meet you in new ways. Let me see you like never before. Let me not live in shame and fleeing from but faithfully following your lead as you point me the direction day-by-day (like Moses' plague by plague or the journey following the pillar of fire/ cloud). Allow me to cling to you so closely that I would reflect your glory, being "radiant because [I have] met with the Lord" (Ex 34:29). Bring me completely from a place of "hid(ing) his face because he was afraid to look at God" (Ex 3:6) to "speak(ing)... face to face as a man speaks to a friend" (Ex 33:11). To you, be the honor and praise!

One final note -
I must end by quoting the ending feelings toward Moses:

• Family: "Get out of my sight! ... The day you see my face you will die." (Ex 10:28)
  
• God: "The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to a friend." (Ex 33:11)
  

What his family withheld him, the Lord provided!

Saul and Samuel

Though Saul asks for forgiveness, Samuel never sees Saul again. Is it our place to forgive a sin committed against the Lord? What is our role and responsibility? Are there attitudes Saul exhibited that shed any light?

Bible Reference - 1 Samuel 15

Story Recap - Saul was king of Israel and disobeyed the Lord. Samuel was a priest and confronted Saul with God’s disapproval telling him God rejected him as king. Saul pleads for Samuel’s forgiveness and asks Samuel to accompany him. At first Samuel refuses but eventually concedes. After that, “until the day Samuel died, he did not go to see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him” (15:35)

Reflection -
Saul states, “I have sinned. But please honor me...” (15:30). Sometimes in relational rifts, the offender appears to pursue. I think an important question to ask is, “Why?” What is the motive behind their plea? To whom is the request due?

In this story, several indicators accuse Saul. In verse 13, he greets Samuel cheerfully and innocently... actually... he greets proudly defensive. “I have carried out the Lord’s instructions.” He then explains Samuel’s observation instead of repenting. He did this once (vs 19). He did this twice (vs 17). He even did it a bit in his third and final speech (vs. 24).

He finally then admits to generalized “sin” and asks Samuel to forgive a sin against God. He asks Samuel to validate him before the people by accompanying him. His actions point to an apology to keep people (ie. Samuel) from anger or public reproach not to humbly own his wrong deed and repent before the Lord. Even his desire to be with Samuel was for public appearance... as was his desire to go worship. His request was primarily one of “honor and amends” and not integrity and humble repentance.

It’s interesting to see Samuel’s response. He doesn’t publicly shame Saul. He does go with him. But, he does not see him again. His desire was not to shame but also to not continue validating.

I find it interesting also that Samuel does not forgive Saul for his offense against God. I do not think this is arrogance but humility. The offense was not against Samuel so it was not one he could forgive. The offense and the forgiveness of it was between Saul and the Lord.

Samuel is grieved. Consequences should grieve us if we are soft. We grieve the unrepentance of another. We grieve the loss of relationship for ourselves. As we grow in forgiveness, we at times grow in mourning as the bitterness is slowly converted to a dull sorrow... one that God can meet and mend.

Prayer -
Lord, only you know the hearts of men. You even know our own far better than we do. Help us to be discerning without being condemning! Protect us from ourselves! Convict us specifically of sins we need to confess and repent. Free us from Satan’s condemnation that shames us in generalities. This is not from you. Keep us from arrogantly coming to you in “God speech” to present you with our lofty knowledge of spiritual truths instead of the specific ways you meet us in them. Forgive me for _______________ when I ______________. Help me to be primarily grieved that my arrogance to act as I want hurts You and my ability to rest with you, my ultimate source of peace and joy. Let other’s understanding and approval be always secondary to yours so that regardless of their presence, I can rest.

David and Michal

Relational consequences existed even in Biblical marriages ... even with the “man after God’s own heart.” How interesting that David’s role in this rift is inconclusive.

Bible Reference - 2 Samuel 6:16-23 and 1Chronicles 15:29

Story Recap -- The Israelites were finally bringing the ark back to Jerusalem. King David was so happy he danced before the Lord with the community. His wife, Michal, was watching from her window and was upset. When David returned home, Michal went out to meet him and shamed him for his public actions. David defended his actions. “And Michal, daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death” (6:23)

Reflection -
Here’s the big question here... WHY did Michal have no children? Did God vindicate David and leave her barren? Did David cease having sexual intercourse with her?

Either way, one conclusion is that there was a relational consequence to her actions. God imposed alone or “assisted by David”, their relationship did not grow further. If it was God alone, it still confirms the fact that there are inevitable, God-allowed consequences to abusive behavior... relational limitations.

My guess... I’m prone to think David’s relationship with her changed. I think, as I’ve said before, this is not directly stated because of the inappropriate generalization of this principle. This is not the typical-loving husband response to marital strife. But, God is not “cut-and-dry”. He exists multidimensional.

Why my guess, you wonder? It’s interesting it seems as though every other time women did not have children, the reason is give:

• Sarai was barren. (Gen 11:30, Heb 11:11)
• Rebekah was barren. (Gen 25:210
• Rachel was barren. (Gen 29:31)
• Wife of Zorah was barren - Samson’s mother (Judges 13:2)
• The Lord had closed Hannah’s womb - Samuel’s mother (1 Samuel 1:6)
• Elizabeth was barren - John the Baptist’s mother (Luke 1:7)
  

It’s also interesting to note that in each case above, and in the additional stories below, God provides a child to the childless.

• Lot’s daughters (Gen 19)
• Judah’s daughter-in-law (Gen 38)

This seems to be the only story about a woman who had no children with no reason and with no resolve. The fact that it leaves the possibility that the consequences involved David is extremely significant. It gives some credence to the fact that though they involved David, they were not a result of David’s speech but of God’s outcome for the situation... an unchanging outcome. It involved David but was God’s intention.

Relational rifts occur. At times, the damage is irrevocable. The resulting separation is not because “we are exacting justice” or acting like “judge, jury, and executioner”. It is simply the outcome to a person’s poor choices... not reflected on us but them. All this, God has allowed.

An interesting note is that this rift too was a result of mockery. (I plan to write more about this later.)

Prayer -
Lord, help us not to be judge, jury, and executioner. At the same time, help us to not live in shame and self-reproach when relationships are severed. Allow us to live fully before you. Allow us like David to say, “It was before the Lord, who chose me... “ that I responded the way I have. And, before the Lord, “I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes...” (6:21-22). Help us to live lives of sincerity before you so the mockery of others doesn’t shame us into silence nor the misunderstanding of others. Help us to bear this all for your name’s sake. We can even bear humiliation and alienation for the glory of your name. Increase this desire in our hearts so we can live blameless before you instead of bitter or emasculated before others.

Abraham and Hagar

Separations are not the norm and are therefore misunderstood by others. Even in the Bible, circumstances are unclear. God’s allowance of these separations can be disturbing. Can we rest in God’s approval alone? Can we rest in God’s care for another? Or, will we live lives of self-justification?

Bible Reference - Genesis 21

Story Recap - Abraham and Sarah are married and have no children. Sarah suggests Abraham have a child through Hagar. He does. Hagar mocks. Sarah tells Abraham to “get rid of her”. Abraham is worried, is reassured by God, and sends her away.

Reflection -
1) A HORRIBLE STORY
Certainly this would be a story you wouldn’t want to generalize or take out of context. That being said, it is really amazing that this story is in the Bible at all.

On the one hand, it is a horrible story!! A poor young woman is impregnated due to a lack of faith in God’s promise on the part of a man and his wife. Then, the young, single destitute woman is kicked out with no safety net and basically no hope in the society of the day. And worse, all this God both allowed and condoned.

I think this horrible “straw-man” version of the story is helpful as we consider the contexts we find ourselves in that lead to gross estrangements. A two-page summary (let alone a 2 paragraph summary of that) could never fully explain the nuances. Not only do we lack God’s infinite perspective, we lack the full human data and experience.

Just as in the Bible, God does not spend the book trying to justify and defend Abraham, we should rest in the fact that our stories are not going to be understood or fully justifiable in this lifetime. But, God knows.

If Sarah and Abraham had fully defended themselves, it probably would have convicted them all the more. I would guess that Sarah would become adamantly trying to explain the ill-treatment she had endured... thus reliving it... feeling the emotion of it... conveying the emotion of the the pain endured NOT a restful trust.

2) GOD’S PERMISSION
I wonder why God would have allowed this. In so many other places, this principle is condemned. It seems like the only words justifying this action is “Hagar... was mocking” (Gen 21:9). There seems to be something significant about mocking so I’m starting another page with thoughts about that.

3) GOD’S PLAN
I’m glad that Abraham was distressed. I think anytime a separation is involved, it should cause reflection and sorrow. This can help confirm we are doing it for the right reasons and not entering into the decision lightly or flippantly.

One reason for Abraham’s distress is because of the safety of his son... an innocent party that will be abandoned as well because of his position with regards to Hagar.

I love God’s reassurance to Abraham. Do not fear. Trust God’s plan. He has a separate plan for those alienated from you.

When we separate from difficult people, we often break relationships with those we love. We would love to retain these relationships with “innocent” people we love. But, no... the link they have remains secured to another and so is lost to us. We feel guilty, responsible, sad and possibly worried. But, God has a plan for them too. It is separate from us but not separate from God. Our grief needs to be limited to the fact that we will not be part and witness of God’s work for them NOT in the lack of hope for them.

Prayer -
Lord, allow us to be misunderstood. Allow us to be glad in that for separation only happens in extreme cases and if it were easily understood, it could wrongly be generalized. We don’t want this. Help us be satisfied and at peace with this. Keep us from living in the emotional justification of our abusive defense instead of in the freedom of moving forward in your story for us. Watch over those from whom we are severed. Keep them safe. Thank you that you promise us “hope and a future”. We pray that for them as well. Hold us together when we miss our dear ones -- who they are and who they will be. Keep us prayerful for them always.

Abraham and family of origin

Is our separation from family a result of pursuing God’s calling? Or, is our separation from family a bitter flight?

Bible Reference - Genesis 12 “The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.’”

Story Recap - Abram lived in an area called Haran. God calls Abram to leave for Canaan. He leaves with his wife, nephew and their possessions.

Reflection -
Today’s timing and technology bring interesting circumstances to family relationships today. In Abram’s time, he is called and leaves. There is not the technology or mail system to allow for ongoing communication.

Who knows how Abram would have operated with the extended family he left in Haran if he had been able. It is worthy to note however that in his context, he did not. The Lord had him leave a living family to pursue a greater calling.

Many stand by missionaries as they physically leave family to pursue God’s calling in their life. Few stand by those who leave extended family “by choice” to pursue God’s calling in their life. It saddens me that instead of questions of conviction and clarification, people who love the Lord and are surrounded by abusers trying to thwart their calling (or very person) are left justifying their love of God and forgiveness of a past. Instead of clarifying and pursuing a calling of God and moving boldly ahead, they are justifying a calling and change in direction.

Of course, this principle could be taken out of context. We can’t always just “up an leave” family. As they did in the epistles, we need to be sure THEY aren’t our calling. Are they destitute? Do they have needs that we can offer (and they will take)? Have we received counsel? Are we truly pursuing God’s calling elsewhere or fleeing God’s calling like Jonah?

Prayer -
Lord, help us live in honesty with ourselves and others. Help us not to flee ministries we can provide to our family. Encourage us when the help we try to provide is not taken or fled from (ie. prodigal son). Give us a soft and open heart for you. Give us the passion and confidence to pursue the vision you have for us. Keep us from living our life justifying our calling rather than pursuing it. Keep us from anger at those who misunderstand the depth, gravity and sorrow of the situation. In fact, allow us to be grateful for those who question ... thankful for the righteous desire that we would not be self-deceived and that needy ones be neglected in a godly rouse. Keep us always humble and thoughtful ourselves.

Abraham and Lot

During family quarreling, what should be done? Most christians would propose sitting down and talking it through until resolution is made. But, Abraham and Lot are an interesting counter-example. They chose to separate but Abram’s love and self-sacrifice for Lot continued.

Bible Reference - Genesis 13:8-9

Story Recap - Abraham was Lot’s uncle. Both were established adults and wealthy. Because “the land could not support them while they stayed together”, their herdsmen began quarreling. Abraham and Lot agreed on land division and went their separate ways.

Reflection -
1) SEPARATION.
Today’s Christian society tends to push towards “working things out” and reestablishing community in relationships is the final goal of strife. Some may promote the need for boundaries but still argue that the best end of strife would be reinstatement.

How interesting to note that Abram actually proposes separation as an acceptable conflict resolution. “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me... Let’s part company.” (v8) He did not say, “We need to sit these quarreling people down and ‘hash it out’ until everyone can agree to compromises and start getting along.”

It seems like in life, there emerges situations that bring out conflict because of a variety of preexisting limitations. To force “compromises” results in frustration or starvation. Why can’t the church allow believers to graciously agree to separate versus fighting to share unsharable assets.

2) DEFERENCE
It’s interesting to note that although Abram suggested the separation, he did not seem to be doing it mean-spirited. He separated to his-own disadvantage. He allowed Lot to pick the choicest of paths.

I think an important question to ask when separating from a relationship is what we are willing to lose to separate. Are we trying to leave with every asset, relationship, pride and position? Are we trying to pry an apology? Or, can we, within our power, allow them to take a better position than us.

For example, if there is a rift in a family, am I willing to allow others to go whichever way they want. Am I willing to not ask people to chose sides? Is my goal and desire to see both sides thrive or for myself to be vindicated?

3) ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
God had blessed Abram right before this incident (Gen 12) but chooses to restate it just as Lot parts (Gen 13:14). It is almost as if he is confirming Abram’s decision. It’s as if God is saying, “The separation of you from some of your family in no way diminishes the promised blessings I have for you and your remaining family.” God was not angry. God did not withhold his blessing. God did not push Abram to restore the family community that had previously existed.

4) HELP
Often when separation occurs, we are so hurt or angry that we “put a period” on that relationship and close the door forever. Not Abram. The very next chapter in the Bible (Gen 14) when Lot is in trouble, Abram rescues at personal cost.

When we are estranged from others, is our heart towards them soft? Are we willing to help them should they ask or if they don’t ask but there is a need that we could help? Do we “hope to be proved right” in this life or are continually ready to assist?

5) PRAYER
It is interesting to note that one of the only pleas for God’s mercy in the Bible was Abraham praying for Lot in Genesis 18. They had separated due to quarreling. Lot had been selfish. Lot continued to remain in area that was clearly dangerous and immoral. But, Abraham still cares and pleads with God for his safety.

I like how Abraham personally goes to rescue Lot at one time but also chooses not to another time. Clearly his choice to not personally go has nothing to do with his love or concern for Lot for Abraham bravely pushes the Lord to save Lot.

One interesting speculation would be to imagine Abraham’s (and Lot’s) end if Abraham were to have gone. When the angels went, Lot’s associates tried to harm them. Instead, they almost destroyed Lot and broke down his house until the angels miraculously intervened to protect them that night (Gen 19). Abraham could not have done this.

We need to be ready to enter where possible. We also need to be willing to watch, wait and trust the Lord... pleading with the Lord for our estranged family’s protection.

Prayer -
Lord, give us wisdom. Help us to know when to compromise and when to separate... when to run to rescue and when to pray as consequences ensue. Help us to trust you with others. Help us to allow others to take more than their share or position when they leave. Allow us to even give our pride. Keep us compassionate and kind. Keep us hoping. Save our loved ones. Keep them safe... even if there is only one in the lot who loves you.