During family quarreling, what should be done? Most christians would propose sitting down and talking it through until resolution is made. But, Abraham and Lot are an interesting counter-example. They chose to separate but Abram’s love and self-sacrifice for Lot continued.
Bible Reference - Genesis 13:8-9
Story Recap - Abraham was Lot’s uncle. Both were established adults and wealthy. Because “the land could not support them while they stayed together”, their herdsmen began quarreling. Abraham and Lot agreed on land division and went their separate ways.
Reflection -
1) SEPARATION.
Today’s Christian society tends to push towards “working things out” and reestablishing community in relationships is the final goal of strife. Some may promote the need for boundaries but still argue that the best end of strife would be reinstatement.
How interesting to note that Abram actually proposes separation as an acceptable conflict resolution. “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me... Let’s part company.” (v8) He did not say, “We need to sit these quarreling people down and ‘hash it out’ until everyone can agree to compromises and start getting along.”
It seems like in life, there emerges situations that bring out conflict because of a variety of preexisting limitations. To force “compromises” results in frustration or starvation. Why can’t the church allow believers to graciously agree to separate versus fighting to share unsharable assets.
2) DEFERENCE
It’s interesting to note that although Abram suggested the separation, he did not seem to be doing it mean-spirited. He separated to his-own disadvantage. He allowed Lot to pick the choicest of paths.
I think an important question to ask when separating from a relationship is what we are willing to lose to separate. Are we trying to leave with every asset, relationship, pride and position? Are we trying to pry an apology? Or, can we, within our power, allow them to take a better position than us.
For example, if there is a rift in a family, am I willing to allow others to go whichever way they want. Am I willing to not ask people to chose sides? Is my goal and desire to see both sides thrive or for myself to be vindicated?
3) ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
God had blessed Abram right before this incident (Gen 12) but chooses to restate it just as Lot parts (Gen 13:14). It is almost as if he is confirming Abram’s decision. It’s as if God is saying, “The separation of you from some of your family in no way diminishes the promised blessings I have for you and your remaining family.” God was not angry. God did not withhold his blessing. God did not push Abram to restore the family community that had previously existed.
4) HELP
Often when separation occurs, we are so hurt or angry that we “put a period” on that relationship and close the door forever. Not Abram. The very next chapter in the Bible (Gen 14) when Lot is in trouble, Abram rescues at personal cost.
When we are estranged from others, is our heart towards them soft? Are we willing to help them should they ask or if they don’t ask but there is a need that we could help? Do we “hope to be proved right” in this life or are continually ready to assist?
5) PRAYER
It is interesting to note that one of the only pleas for God’s mercy in the Bible was Abraham praying for Lot in Genesis 18. They had separated due to quarreling. Lot had been selfish. Lot continued to remain in area that was clearly dangerous and immoral. But, Abraham still cares and pleads with God for his safety.
I like how Abraham personally goes to rescue Lot at one time but also chooses not to another time. Clearly his choice to not personally go has nothing to do with his love or concern for Lot for Abraham bravely pushes the Lord to save Lot.
One interesting speculation would be to imagine Abraham’s (and Lot’s) end if Abraham were to have gone. When the angels went, Lot’s associates tried to harm them. Instead, they almost destroyed Lot and broke down his house until the angels miraculously intervened to protect them that night (Gen 19). Abraham could not have done this.
We need to be ready to enter where possible. We also need to be willing to watch, wait and trust the Lord... pleading with the Lord for our estranged family’s protection.
Prayer -
Lord, give us wisdom. Help us to know when to compromise and when to separate... when to run to rescue and when to pray as consequences ensue. Help us to trust you with others. Help us to allow others to take more than their share or position when they leave. Allow us to even give our pride. Keep us compassionate and kind. Keep us hoping. Save our loved ones. Keep them safe... even if there is only one in the lot who loves you.
