Oil and Water Don't Mix - Part 1: Charges in the Water

God created oil and water... two substances that do not mix together into integrated solutions. This is in their inherent, God-ordained nature.

Reflection -
Why don’t oil and water mix?

I was contemplating the chemistry behind the water-oil separation. If there ARE reasons, could they be related in a parable-like way to relationships. It’s not fool-proof but is an interesting analogy when considering the possibility that not relationships are intended to coexist intertwined.

Let’s briefly mention the chemistry involved. Water molecules are polar and oil molecules are nonpolar. Simply put, water molecules have different charges on its exterior allowing it to clump together in a magnetic-like way. Oil molecules do not. They are “even-stephen”. So... here’s what happens... when you combine water and oil molecules, the water clumps together ... leaving out the oil to mix randomly with itself.

Polar: +- (2 opposite parts)
Nonpolar: ++ (both parts the same)

Could it be that some people have “exposed charges”? Wounds, feelings, attitudes, actions, etc have a way of clumping them with others of similar “charges” effectively repelling others who refuse to live similarly.

This could take various forms. For one person, their pain could lead them to an addiction that seeks companions with similar addictions. For example, a drug addict surrounding herself in an drug-accessible environment.

For another person, their pain could lead them to lash out in ways that others need to shift to absorb and deflect. For example, an abusive person is typically surrounded by others who live “on tip-toes” ready to morph into the person that will diffuse the person/ situation.

In both cases, it is the “charged person” who choses to clump with accommodating others... effectively banishing anyone who is not willing to become one of the “groupies”.

In the first case of addiction, banishment is a result if this lifestyle is uncompromisingly pursued. As banished observers, we need to prayerfully consider if we have pursued the addict and tried to rescue and if there are additional ways to try. We also need to prayerfully consider our role and mission in the situation. But we need to be able to rest in the fact that “Salvation is the Lord’s”... the more determined the addict is, the more separate our position will be.

In the second case of abuse, banishment is a result as well but looks far different. In chemistry, water clumps as opposite charges line up and attract. An abuser often leads a bit of schizophrenic lifestyle... alternating between times of calm and times of violence. Victims surrounding the abuser shift and alter their makeup as well to mix well. It’s like a well-orchestrated dance where abuser and victim step in ways to “line-up”. Abuser, of-course, is lead. If a participant does not shift when abuser shift, this will break the synchronized dance. If others continue to “keep step” the dance will continue and the non-shifting member will be ostracized.
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ATTRACTION (opposite charges attract):

Their is a danger in this second case, however. Let’s consider chemistry again. Imagine an abuser as such...

Abuser/ Polar: +-

An environment that would reflect the abuser would be alternate between...

+- +- (abuser and victim perfectly aligned)

AND

-+ -+ (as abuser "flips" so does the victim)

Everyone lining up “appropriately” as abuser shifts and morphs.
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REPULSION (similar charges repel):

What we need to guard against is the tendency to do this...

-+ +- (as abuser "flips" ... other person CAN but REFUSES to flip)

Notice, how we have not changed at all. We have chosen to stubbornly “stand our ground” and not accommodate the accuser but still have these tendencies within ourselves. This will cause us to separate from one abuser but sadly we allow us to either become one ourselves or enter another abusive relationship.


Instead, the “banishment” from an abusive relationship must be the result of a healing of the extremes in our own make-up. We need to look like...

-+ ++ (as abuser "flips" ... other person, even "flipped", will be identical)

The resulting clashes from our “colliding charges” are not therefore the result of a stubborn, bitter, hard-headedness or lack of forgiveness. Instead, they are a result of a healing from the schizophrenic compromises we have witnessed and become. It is our healing and internal unification that alienates us.
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Often, we are told that as healed christians, we should be able to enter any situation and family relationship with kindness and grace to bring healing and hope. I do not think this is true. Sometimes, our refusal to morph into the role we have previously held is so alarming and offensive, others cling all the tighter to each other and we are abandoned. We then are confronted with a choice. Do we wish to continue to repeatedly change around the whims of another? Or, do we wish to remain as a bold irritant constantly disrupting the solution? Or, are the bonds so tight that their is forced separation?

Again, before the Lord we must ask if we are doing this from a place of healing or stubborn pain. We also must consider our role and calling.

Prayer -
Lord, we are lonely! How frustrating is our inability! We cannot free some trapped in addiction. We cannot bring stability and grace to abuse. We hope and love yet appear alone and outcasted. We want to change things so the good person we are at times and the compassion we long to bring can be acknowledged and received. Instead, we are shunned by those we long to relationally embrace and are misunderstood by many as “cop outs” or bitter. Would you heal us! Continue to make our banishment one of internal wholeness not external aggression. Increase our kindness despite the affrontive and/ or unresponsive way we aline with others. Give us wisdom how to proceed in these area of clear confrontation. Help us traverse these lonely roads with these baby skills we were raised without. Oh Lord, be companion and guide. Remind us who we are and whose we are.